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That Awkward Place Between Frumpy and Frumpy

So far, I've lost 45 pounds since summer 2012. And I feel great!

I hit a few slumps here and there, where I didn't want to continue, just wanted to stuff my face and lay around. But it wasn't anything I couldn't overcome. I just got right back up and kept going.

Really I was just bored, so I found something new to do, like running. I run at least three miles a day, but five when I have a little extra time. I'm signing up for 5k's and riding my bike to school. I work out outside, because the thought of the gym hurts my head... And other things too.

I realized that I have to keep what I'm doing fresh. If I do the same thing over and over, I get bored very quickly and find myself discouraged. So being creative with my food and my work outs has become a new challenge - but in a good way.

However, I've been faced with a bit of a dilemma, otherwise.

The majority of my clothes do not fit!

When I was at my heaviest (270) frumpy meant I was self conscience and wore big clothes because I didn't like attracting attention to myself. Plus nothing ever fit me right. Now that I am where I am, I want clothes to start fitting me right! I want people to see the results from all the dang squats I do! I want to project how good I feel about myself and my body. However, when all my clothes are two sizes too big, it is hard to convey. It doesn't help that I am a broke college student. It's expensive to have to buy new pants every couple months, or new shirts, new bras, etc etc!!! And believe me, I am not your typical sewing machine lady, or fashionista.

Therefore, this leaves me at that awkward stage between frumpy and frumpy.

So I'm here wondering what to do about it. I keep telling myself that I'll lose more weight and I should just wait til then, but what about all this frumpiness? I don't particularly like looking like a slob. Especially when I feel nothing like one! Why make that impression?

And I'm not about to ask my friends to take in my clothes every two seconds.

I thought about thrifting, but I usually can't find anything I like. I guess I'm not much if a thrift store junky either (when it comes to clothes). Plus thrift clothes are sometimes just as much as new!

I'm just stubborn, that's what it is.

That brings up another thing. I need a new style!

Yeah I said it, my stubborn ass needs a new style.

Most my life, if not all of it, I have just worn men's t-shirts and jeans. Again, to hide my body and attract attention very far away from me. That was the only thing I was comfortable in, and if anyone tried to change that I would resist. Never have I liked wearing women's clothing. I only wear women's jeans, and of course lady part holders. Everything else comes from the men's section. I don't think that will ever change. Fact is, I'm just not comfortable wearing a bright colored fluffy blouse all the time. Or skirts. Or any other lady things that make me look so lady like. But because I'm a lady of sorts, it's been assumed I need to wear lady clothes. Therefore, I've never explored any kind of style. I just stayed wearing what I have been since I was able to pick out my own unflattering clothes.

But then.... My mind was blown!

A friend made me realize that I can still wear men's clothing, and be comfortable, AND look good, while still holding on to the femininity I want to hold onto.

Wow.... No really... I had no idea!!

I mean, I haven't gone out to do such shopping and discovering, but! When the time comes, that's what I'm going for.

I'm changing my life, my lifestyle, everything. And I'm loving every second of it. I have goals for where I want my body, and what I want for myself. Having a sense of fashion is just a small part of that. However, it will make me feel so much better, wont make me feel frumpy, and let my confidence shine through on the outside the same way I feel on the inside.

But wait.... I'm still at the awkward stage between frumpy and frumpy. I have another 50+ pounds to lose. Not to mention the toning that comes after that.

Hmm...

Well.. I just need to balls up and stop making excuses!

Cheap clothes are not that expensive. Thrift stores have to have different clothes in other sections. It's ok to ask friends and family to bring in my clothes if its something worth keeping, and I offer them something in return. I just need to do it.

Much of these excuses, like many, come from fear. A part of me is afraid of letting go. I have been overweight for how long? I am losing someone that I've known for years, and it is scary. I have been my own best friend, and now this new, improved, confident person is taking place of that. I miss qualities of my older self, and I'm in denial that I am actually losing that person. That is why I hold on to things, like being frumpy.

So that's it. I need to face the fear of reality, and set a budget for new clothes every so often. Five dollars here, five dollars there. I can buy a new shirt every month.

Soon I'm going shopping, and I'm taking my brilliant friend with me! She might have to deal with a little bit of stubbornness though... Sorry in advance ;)

Can't stop now! I've come too far!

Until next time <3

Slowly, but surly... Making and SEEING progress!

**DISCLAIMER**
I am not yet comfortable showing a current full body picture of myself. However, when I have more progress photos, I will start. For now you will just have to take my word for it.


I am addicted to the feeling of getting stronger everyday. I mean, I am not gonna go train to be a body builder or anything; but, i do want to be strong. That has been inside of me forever. I have always been strong. I have always been the one to lift the heavy boxes, or move a huge thing from one space to another. I love it. Only now I am building muscle, and doing it the right way so I am continuously strong, rather than strong in small spurts. I am finally seeing definition behind all that fatty-ness, and it will only get better.

Every time I go to the gym I challenge myself. I do a heavier weight, more reps, faster pace. Whatever have you. If I don't challenge myself, I get upset because I know I can do better. Therefore, I just push myself every time. Now I can run almost a whole mile without stopping. Never in my life have I been able to do that! And I am sure within a week, I will be able to run the whole thing! It is amazing the progress I have made in the past month with running alone. I always made the excuse that I was too afraid of the treadmill, or that I had to much weight on me for the impact. Forget that. Running is a mind game. One day I just said eff-it and ran. Now I think I'm addicted to it. My plan is to run a couple 5k's this summer. It'll happen.

But
For months I hadn't seen anything. No muscle definition, no thinning out. I still fit in all my old clothes, and was frustrated because I knew I was feeling so much better on the inside. I only wished it would reflect on the outside. I would weigh in with my health coach and it would be 1-2 pounds here, 1-2 pounds there. Which is a healthy rate to lose weight, for sure, but I figured that it would start showing eventually. I would start thinking my body would never change. That I would be healthy, but forever be a big girl. I would go back and forth wondering if all this hard work was worth it, if I was ever going to be in the body I knew was inside me. I was genuinely scared.

WELL! 35 pounds later... eventually finally came.

Recently I took a picture of myself in the same pose as my 'before' picture and placed them side by side. I was in complete disbelief. Denial even. For days, I couldn't stop staring at the picture. I would try to trick myself into thinking it wasn't true, but I do look different. As my brother said, it looks like someone put me into Photoshop and squished me. I still look at the picture and think, nah, that can't be right. It's the angle or something. Maybe the lighting. Or the clothes I'm wearing.

But no. It's real. I am different, and it's finally starting to show, even in the smallest ways.

Then I noticed people making comments like, "Senaida, look at your pants!" or, "have you dropped weight?" or, "You're looking very healthy."

It feels great, let me tell you.

Another thing that feels great?
Buying new pants.

About a week ago I went to the store in search of something new. Mostly shoes, but I knew my pants were starting to look frumpy, so I figured I would look for something along those lines too. To my surprise, I kept having to get a smaller size to try on. I started at 20, then went to 18, then 16! Again, I was in shock and disbelief. Same as the picture, I was in complete denial. I kept making sure I wasn't wrong. I walked around, sat down, pulled at them, and even asked the lady that worked there if they looked weird. There was nothing keeping me from buying them, so I did. I still don't believe they fit me.. I am scared to put them on every time. My past experience with that is they never fit again. But they do... They really do. Really well too.

And just to make things better! -- I just had my monthly meeting with my health coach. We did numbers, as always.
I dropped ten pounds.
BMI dropped 1%
and body fat percentage is at 35.
I figure if I keep losing a healthy 5-8 pounds a month, I will be at my goal weight on or before the new year. Although a friend thinks I can do it by June. We have a bet. She will probably win.

All this change, and finally seeing the physical change, has me extremely excited! I now know I am on a one way path to my health and fitness goals. It won't stop there either. Once I get to my goal weight, I will only make new goals. Not necessarily weight goals, but goals that challenge my fitness on new levels that I never thought I would be doing in a million years.

Whatever it is, it will be awesome! That is what matters.
It'll take more hard work to get there, but now I have no doubts (or at least fewer doubts) that I will! My life is taking me places I never imagined, both in and outside of health. However, I do believe it all revolves around healthy choices!
Now I just have to get out of these frumpy clothes!

Until next time <3

Gettin' Serious About Tracking My Food

This week, I met with both my health coach and nutritionist. Later, I will meet with my trainer. It has been a month since I've seen any of theme due to winter break.

And I gotta say, it was nice to be back. Personally I have learned so much this last month just on my own. I watched almost all the documentaries Netflix has to offer on streaming about food and food health. It was so inspiring and educational. I've learned so much, and they have given me a whole new outlook on what it means to change a lifestyle, not just a habit.

Granted I still have a long way to go, but I now have more motivation to live in a way our bodies were meant to. To eat whole organic foods, and to stay away from chemically processed food as much as possible. Those are the things our bodies were built for. Not frozen corn dogs and coke.

This idea goes into the gym too. I have been focusing on doing more body weight and free weight exercises rather than using the machines. Machines are meant to target only one specific muscle group. With body/free weights you are more likely to hit more than one muscle group at a time because of the balance it takes to hold yourself up rather than relying on a machine.

Something my trainer said to me: I was walking on the treadmill telling him that it was so much easier than the hike I had gone on a couple days before. He told me it was because when you're on the treadmill, the machine is moving you, and when you're out in the real world, your body is the machine.
It changed my perspective.

So this month being away from the healthy weight team, I made my own goals and tried my hardest to not loose track. I believe I did pretty well! And I am proud of the steps I have made.
There was one thing, though, that was on my mind. Tacking food.
I am very bad at tracking things in general. Food, money, keys. I have to write it down. I was watching my portions, but only tracking the amounts I needed in my head. I thought, there had to be a more effective way of doing this if I wanted to reach my goals.
I made a template in Word -- that worked for about half a day.
I tried writing it in my journal -- same
Used a calorie tracker app -- same
Looked up how to make my own app -- too much money and knowledge I do not have

Then after some brainstorming with my nutritionist -- she showed me this tracker in the form of a check book. Each day had little check boxes for the amounts of each food you need, along with description, water, and activity.
I thought this was a great and simple idea, but I wanted it in electronic form.

I did some searching in the Apple App Store and found "list" It's a checklist app for groceries and to-do's. I thought, why not use it as a food tracker? It would be like checking off my amounts just like in the checkbook.
Come to find out.... It works great!! I made a list called "daily food diary," and listed all my food like "grain1, grain2, veggies1, fruit3..... And so on.

Now, it is up to me. I have my check boxes, and in electronic form. I just need to stick with opening up the app every meal and using it!! That is the challenge. But I have faith that I can do it. Especially now that school has started again, it is hopefully one less thing I need to keep in my mind.

Stay happy and healthy.
Until next time <3

I need more veggies in my life

Everyday I am supposed to have:
9 Ounces of whole grains
4 Cups of Fruit
2 Cups of Dairy
8 Ounces of Protein
5 T of Good Fats
100 Ounces of Water
and
FOUR+ CUPS OF VEGETABLES!

You'd think that'd be easy to get to. Well.. It's harder than it looks.
It isn't that I don't like veggies.. I just never know where to add them in. Or I get so caught up in making sure I have the right amount of fruit and grains etc, that I forget about one of the food groups completely. It is usually veggies.
And veggies are where most of your nutrients and energy come from! I should be all over that if that is the case. Plus I have learned that veggies (especially whole, non-pestaside veggies) are what our bodies are used to digesting. Not all this foreign easily processed food that is packed with chemicals and... well... shit!
Lately, I have been on this kick of food/health conscious documentaries. Netflix if FULL of them. I have learned so much, it is kinda ridiculous. My thoughts about food have changed completely! Where it comes from, how it's treated, how much waste is produced from it. etcetcetcetc
Now just to implement it....
Thats the difficult part.
I am still attracted to food in an addicting way. It is a habit that I have had the hardest time kicking. When there is food around, even though I consciously know I shouldn't be consuming it because 1) there is no nutritional value, just high calories, 2) It's slamming my body full of toxins, and 3) It's just not good for me... I can't help have the whole box sometimes.
Non of these things are veggies by the way. More like cookies, chips, and cake.

When it comes to veggies, my nutritionist says I can have as much as I want. I at least need to make sure to hit the 4 Cup mark. But some days I can't even do that, and I am starting to wonder why.
Is it because I didn't grow up with a mass amount of veggies in my diet, therefore I am not used to it? Probably, actually.
So then what do I do to change it?! I go to the grocery store and spend most of my time in the produce section. I bring home TONS of fruits and veggies... But they end up going bad before I get to them. I think what it really is, is I don't know how to use them in my everyday cooking besides the general salad... and frankly, thats boring.
There is an avocado I bought still on my shelf after a week because I don't know what else to do with it besides make Guacamole... and for that you need chips. Not good.

So I've made a promise to myself.

I am going to eat from home, every meal, and consciously plan every meal to be veggie based. I am going to take the time to look up recipes, learning HOW to use those things, instead of just saying, "oh I don't know how" and leaving it.
I know, I know... That is what I have been trying to do since I've started this all. Trying to get my 4 Cups, blah blah blah...
But no, I really gotta do it this time. It's a promise for more than just veggies. It's a promise to live a clean life, and implement fresh ideas about food.

Here is to new beginnings.
Until next time <3

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Making Decisions and Staying Motivated

(^^^Not me... But one day!)

I recently had a meeting with my health coach. We have decided to take a break from the healthy weight program over winter break. This gives me the opportunity to test myself in the 'real world.' The advantage of the healthy weight program is I get to meet with someone once a week to track my progress, answer questions, and get through any doubt and insecurities I have. When she had suggested taking a break from it, I was shocked to realize how much the program was actually helping me. I was scared to leave her office. I didn't think I was going to be able to motivate myself enough for a month without them. Including my trainer and nutritionist. The last meetings I had with them I tried to stretch as much as possible because I knew the break from them was getting closer.

This unfortunately came at a time when I was taking finals. My eyes were glued to the computer screen writing paper after paper. I was still going to the gym early every morning to work out, but felt myself getting weaker everyday. My energy levels were low, and nothing I ate felt like enough fuel for my system. I would get tired almost instantaneously to where I couldn't catch my breath, and my heart rate would sky rocket. This made me so frustrated. I knew I wasn't preforming to the best of my abilities, and felt I was slacking big time. I found myself not being able to focus on my papers either, which made me even more frustrated.
I was definitely lost not knowing what to do.

What I didn't realize, or what I hadn't learned, was that levels of stress can cause a lack of performance. Even though I didn't physically feel stressed, and I was just plowing through finals like usual, I didn't realize that my body was still reacting to it. Those stress levels weighed down my body in a different way that left me unable to do my best.
My trainer explained this all to me. It made complete sense.
So I had to make a decision. Either keep going in this same fashion, or take it easy and focus all my attention on school for the rest of the week.
I chose the latter. I thought long and hard about it, and had to tell myself that it was ok just for the week. I wasn't giving up, but I had to do it for the better of my education.. Something that is extremely important to me too.
So I finished my paper a day early, and the next morning I picked right back up! I didn't feel at all like I had given up. And Surprisingly I felt so much more energetic and alive. I gave that work out my all, and felt great about it!
In line with this, there was another decision I had to make.
I had originally signed up for two intersession courses during winter break. These classes are 5, 9 hour days, worth 3 credits each. Just thinking about them stressed me out. And thinking back on how stressed I was with finals while trying to keep up with my health simultaneously, I had to drop them. I knew it would eventually create a wall between me and my health to a point I don't know I could have turned around from again. So I decided that instead, I am going to spend the break focusing on this lifestyle change. It is important to me, and I don't want to lose track of it because of some quick fix classes.

Therefore!
I have set some goals for myself over the break. All my attention is going to focus on my health and fitness. I am going to try new things, new classes, new forms of fitness, and new food! I am going to go out more. As in spending less time in the gym, and more time outside. And I am going to enjoy life in every way I can.
This is definitely a new beginning for me. I don't know how I ever lived not paying attention to my whole self. I don't ever want to go back to that. And I think I have hit a point where that isn't even an option.
I like this too much.

Until next time <3

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Getting to the top of the mountain.

Getting to the top of the mountain can be a metaphor for many things. It could mean finishing a paper, a project, school, work, the week... Just any sort of hurdle you come across. Getting over this mountain, for me, meant something physical and metaphorical.
As my spin instructor would say, "imagine what is on the top of the hill and get to it." I remember a time when I wouldn't even look at the hill. I went on a hike once with a good friend to the volcanoes on the West Side of Albuquerque. Five minutes in, I was winded and wanted to go back to the car. It was as if there wasn't enough of anything to keep me from not being so tired. When we got to the base of one volcano, I stopped, sat on a rock, and refused to follow him up. He begged me to go up with him. I crossed my arms and acted like a child. So he went without me.
As I sat and reflected alone, I realized that I had never been so disappointed in myself. I just sat there. What was my problem? Was I really that lazy and stuck in my ways that I couldn't even climb a damn hill?

Ya, pretty much. Maybe I was afraid that I couldn't get to the top. Or maybe I was afraid of what would be there when I did. I didn't even try.

But I am here to tell you all that this past weekend, that concept changed for me. I went on a hike with that same friend to Bear Canyon. It was two hours long, and I thought my heart was going to explode half the time. However, my friend brought something up. He re-told me the story about our hike in the volcanoes. I had completely forgotten about that experience. He reminded me that on other hikes I would get winded right away just walking on the trail before the mountain. And how I would never be motivated to keep going. I felt kinda bad. I was holding him back from all these cool experiences at the top of every mountain we climbed because I would go slow or something. I mean, I have made to the tops of other mountains, and other hills. But this mountain was different. It was a reflection of the progress that I have made since this summer, and where I used to be in life.

Now I look forward to seeing the city from up high... which is so beautiful, by the way...
And I look forward to climbing taller mountains, higher boulders, in faster time.
Watching the sunset from my side, and being a part of it to everyone else.
Being proud of my accomplishments every single day, no matter how hard they are and what everyone else says.
Living a life that I never thought I could live because I was too depressed to leave the illusion of Hollywood life.
Following my dream one step at a time.
Being the best me that I can be! And loving every bit and piece of it.

So climb a mountain with me? I'd be happy to be a part of the sunset with you.

Until next time <3