"Why are you in the healthy weight program?"

Last week I was asked by my health coach, "Why are you in the healthy weight program?" I stared at the little posty note the question was on. I didn't know what to write. I had just gotten back from a week wondering why it was worth it, what the point was, and believing that I may never be in the body I am supposed to be in.
I wrote something generic like, "I want to live a healthier lifestyle. I don't want to be judged by friends and family anymore about my health, and I don't want to suffer long term effects because of my weight. I want to be strong in mind, body, and well being."
Although these are great reasons to be in the healthy weight program, I didn't think it was good enough. I felt like I didn't deserve to be there, because maybe it really wasn't the right answer to the question, or it wasn't specific enough, or my motivation wasn't strong enough.
But long story short, I deserve to be there just as much as anyone else. The fact that I signed up for it meant that I was stuck and needed help. So whatever the reason really is, whether its deep down inside or I'm not ready to voice it, I know that is what it comes down to. I needed help, and I couldn't find it in the places I was looking... There was usually just food there.

So how'd I get this way?
I have been overweight for more than half of my life. I used to be skinny as a kid, heathy, in sports. Then one day everything shattered. School kids weren't nice anymore, my family life was rocky to say the least, I was shy and didn't have many friends, I was growing up. However, I wasn't growing up in the same way. I wasn't the cool kid. I was the kid with hairy arms and thick eye brows that got made fun of on a daily basis. One time, while taking the bus, one of my regular bullies thought it would be funny to spill chili power all over me, and pull my hair all in the same swoop.
Anyways, and needless to say, I turned to food. Food became my addiction just like drugs, sex, and alcohol become addictions for other people. Society doesn't realize that food is just as bad of an addiction, and it kills your body in soul in the same ways. It's just so accessible, and disguised by something that should be happening naturally, that no one thinks twice about it. Everyday in middle school, when things really started to go down, I would go to the snack bar and order: cheetoes, snickers, coke, pizza, and snowballs. Those snow balls killed me. This was an everyday thing. Sometimes I would even go through the lunch line and get my free lunch, then follow it up with a visit to the snack bar.
I came to love food. So much that I would dream about it and wake up with goals of what I was going to eat that day. It became habit. A way of life. I went through middle, high, and continued onto college with these mentalities. My motto was "Just love the cheesecake!" because I would hate watching healthy people being healthy and deciding against something that was going to keep them that way. I was in denial, for sure.
And don't get me wrong... I know I am speaking in past tense. It is only because it is a strategy for my continued change. I still use food as a comfort when I am upset or stressed out and having a bad day. I still use food as a comfort when I am having a wonderful day. Food is still a huge part of my life. Kicking that habit does not come overnight. Just last night I walked into my mom's house and ate two cookies without even thinking, just because they were there.

Regardless, here are some pictures of food that used to be an everyday for me.

Until next time <3